poisson d avril
by scooter1
Summary: A response to Shauna Lee's April Fool Day challenge
1. a bad day revised

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
  
I had to make some minor revisions throughout.  
  
poisson d'avril (REVISED)   
A response to Shauna Lee's challenge  
  
*****************************  
With a satisfied smirk, Jake added a package of carefully selected items to his gym bag while preparing for his day of work. Before walking out the door, he stopped by a daily calendar attached to the wall. He tore off the Farside comic decorated date of March 31st, revealing April 1st. He snickered at the new comic and grabbed his keys. Today should be interesting.  
  
*  
  
Sara had endured a very bad morning. Someone had switched the contents of her grooming products, spiked her toothpaste with 'Pop-Rocks' and flushed the toilet while she was in the shower. She wasn't naming names but she was sure she saw a flash of black before she was scalded.  
  
As she got dressed, she found a pair of edible panties in her underwear drawer, jellybeans in her boots and frilly scrunchies in place of her sensible hair-bands. Thoroughly annoyed, she had stomped off to the kitchen to find someone had systematically cut out the bottom of every single cereal box and tinted her milk pink. By the time her coffee was ready, she was furious.  
  
She stared angrily at the seemingly innocent coffee mug. "If this is decaf, someone's gonna die," she growled. She could picture a certain dark haired man grinning wickedly at her aggravation. Instinctively, her eyes flicked to his usual perch. *And that suspicious looking stream of goo on the fire escape window had better not be what she thought it was.*   
  
*  
  
Jake's morning had been amusing, to say the least. He'd managed to label quite a few officers' backs with interesting 'facts' about them. Burgess was still sporting a 'I pee sitting down' notice, as no one was willing to openly snicker at the burly man.   
  
He'd tried some gags on Danny, but was met with an annoyed stare each time. It's like the guy had a sixth sense about pranks. Maybe it was some sort of Zen intuition.   
  
*  
  
When Sara arrived late, Jake opened his mouth to comment but was immediately shut down by her near demonic glare. The Wielder was not in the mood for anything but revenge and was just looking for someone to take it out on.  
  
The highly skilled perpetrator of her morning mayhem had not stopped with her apartment. Her bike had been decorated with girly bows and a male stripper had accosted her on her way into the precinct.   
  
Danny managed to calm her down slightly with some real coffee and a shoulder massage. "Tough morning, Pez?"  
  
"Tough isn't the word. I'm leaning more towards Machiavellian." Sara muttered.  
  
*   
  
Despite the Wielder's slight reprieve, it was becoming obvious to her that the horrors of April 1st were not over. As the day wore on, she discovered more of the insidious assassin's pranks. When she went to flash her badge at a crime scene, a strip of condoms unfurled for the amusement of the entire crew. This was not helped by Vicky Po's enthusiastic comment about Sara 'getting some'.  
  
Topping it off, the Witchblade seemed to be joining in on the shenanigans, showing Sara visions of Orlinsky showering and other horrific images at particularly bad times. Some of the imagery was embarrassing or hysterical and she was having a hard time keeping a straight face, let alone looking anyone in the eye.   
  
One of her visions sparked a berating from Dante for 'making faces' at a case file he'd tried to hand her. "Listen, Petzini, I hand you a case, you take it. Understand?" he barked. "I'm sick of your attitude."  
  
Jake had used the distraction to slip cayenne sauce into the coffee mug Dante was holding. He had been planning to use it in Sara's but decided against it.  
  
Seeing Sara react with shock and disgust towards such ordinary things like a file folder or Orlinsky's tie made him wonder if an April Fool stunt might put her over the edge. Besides, Sara was really weird about her coffee.  
  
*  
  
Fretting over the completely out of control day, Sara returned to her office. She was considering finding an excuse to leave for the day before she lost her job. Ian's pranks were explainable, though she wasn't fond of Danny referring to her as the safe sex police. "That's not the standard latex for a crime scene, Pez," he'd jabbed. Sara nearly belted him.  
  
Nottingham's capers, though annoying, were actually providing an excuse for her unusually frequent trances and odd behavior.  
  
The real problem was the blade. Though it made no sense that an ancient amulet of great power would even be aware of the date, let alone celebrate it. As if in response, the bracelet suddenly transformed into a gauntlet and gave her the finger. At wit's end, she decided to turn to her usual cohort on the Blade.  
  
Sara tried to call Gabriel's cell phone, but someone had changed all her speed dial numbers to Moe's pub and Moe was beginning to get irate. She hadn't memorized Gabriel's personal number so she called Talismaniac. She was greeted by the machine.  
  
"You've reached Talismaniac, we're closed for the holiday but we'll be open tomorrow. If it can't wait till then, leave a message." By this time, the Wielder was near hysteric. After the beep, Sara yelled for Gabriel to pick up several times until an officer from two offices down told her to quiet down. Gabriel chose that moment to answer.  
  
"Sara?" he asked, sounding a little concerned.  
  
"Oh, hey, Gabriel, why weren't you answering the phone?" Sara queried.  
  
"I was in the shower," he replied as the officer from the door mumbled; "Probably didn't wanna have his ear drums busted."  
  
"Oh," Sara answered, ignoring the officer. "So, how did the shower go?" she asked. She was recalling what she presumed to be the antics of a black clad man this morning and was wondering if she had been his only target.  
  
There was a long pause before he answered the question. "Um, good I guess. It accomplished its purpose. I feel pretty clean," he replied lightly. "Why do you ask?"  
  
Sara could tell from the long pause that Gabriel was a bit baffled by her question. " Gabriel, I need to talk to you in private. Can I stop by?"   
  
Gabriel looked around his shop. "Um, It's kinda a bad day to be around talismans," he hedged.  
  
"No kidding," Sara muttered   
  
"I was about to head out," he stated. "You wanna meet somewhere?" he asked, realizing the amulet Sara wore was probably under the same influence of the date. He wasn't thrilled about being around the thing, but his friend sounded distressed.  
  
"Yeah, meet me at Dom's Diner in fifteen," Sara requested.  
  
"Okay," Gabriel sighed, slipping into a pair of jeans. Sara always wanted everything right away.  
  
Sara hung up just as Danny was entering the office. "I'm having lunch with a friend so you've got Jake to yourself today," Sara informed him.  
  
"Nah, I've got myself to myself. I just sent Jake on a wild goose chase," Danny stated. He was getting annoyed with Jake's constant attempts to pin things on him and slip things into his coffee. He also wasn't amused by his prank calls. For Christ's sake, he works with the guy, of course he recognized his voice.  
  
*   
  
Sara waited for fifteen minutes at the diner before Gabriel finally showed. "You're late," she snapped. "What happened?" she added a bit apologetically when she noticed the scratch on his cheek.  
  
"Got assaulted by a Wanga Doll," Gabriel replied casually. "So, what tomfoolery has the amulet been up to?" he queried.  
  
"Just lot's of obscene and odd imagery, but its doing it nearly constantly and sometimes I come to in really odd positions" Sara explained.  
  
Gabriel raised an eyebrow at the 'odd positions' comment.  
  
"What's a Wanga doll?" Sara plied, trying to divert the subject.  
  
"A talisman that summons forces of the night. They're pretty harmless unless one jumps out at you," Gabriel remarked with a grimace.  
  
"I don't understand, Gabriel. Why would a silly holiday affect talismans?" Sara prodded.  
  
"Well, even though the common belief is that the celebration of April Fools originated in France When the Julian calendar was replaced by the Gregorian for religious reasons, the actual origin of the holiday is a mystery," Gabriel replied.  
  
Sara blinked. "Explain, Gabriel."  
  
"The fact that the day is celebrated nearly worldwide for different reasons, is odd in itself. There are lot's of different theories, but I'm leaning toward the belief that it has something to do with nature and the arrival of spring," Gabriel revealed.  
  
"Meaning?" Sara prodded, getting a bit impatient.  
  
"Meaning that the forces of nature are unpredictable on this day and since most talismans are meant to harness those powers, they're affected. Or rather they react to it, in my opinion," Gabriel explained. He honestly didn't understand why she didn't seem to follow sometimes. The Witchblade usually filled in the blanks, he thought.  
  
At this moment, however, the blanks it was filling put an odd expression on Sara's face.  
  
"Sara? ... Sara?" Gabriel hailed.  
  
"Um, hey, sorry," Sara apologized. "Are you going commando?" She asked without thinking.  
  
"You wanted me to meet you right away. I was in a rush," Gabriel retorted defensively, a bit offended by both the Blade and Sara's audacity.  
  
"So there's nothing I can do about it?" Sara implored, gesturing at her bracelet. Its gem was sporting a wicked grin.  
  
"Not really," Gabriel replied. "It sounds like its antics are pretty harmless. Although you might want to refrain from addressing your visions in front of others. They may not be as tolerant as I am," Gabriel relayed.  
  
"Um, yeah, sorry," Sara mumbled. Between Nottingham and the Blade's 'harmless' antics, her sanity and reputation were swiftly spiraling down the drain. She considered taking the thing off, only to realize it was one step ahead of her. It had sealed itself around her wrist and seemed to be mocking her.  
  
Gabriel noticed her frustrated reaction to it and stifled a snicker.  
  
Sara leveled an angry glare at him. "I'd be careful about pissing me off right now, Bowman," the Wielder growled. "Between Nottingham and the Blade, I'm about ready to go off the deep end and I can't be held accountable for the carnage when that happens."  
  
"What did Nottingham do?" Gabriel inquired, inching away from Sara and her bracelet. It was twinkling mischievously and making him a bit nervous.  
  
"What 'didn't' he do! The man is a menace," Sara spat. "I've had it up to here with Nottingham's pranks and this thing - she snarled at the bracelet - gave me the finger," she griped.  
  
"It gave you the finger?" Gabriel asked in disbelief. That wasn't a good sign. Unpredictable transformations could be dangerous. "Maybe you should take the rest of the day off," Gabriel suggested, inching further away. He was nearly out of the booth now. Just a little farther and...  
  
Sara noticed Gabriel attempting to escape and latched onto his wrist with her adorned hand, causing Gabriel to cry out in alarm. "Hey! you're not abandoning me are you?" she accused angrily.  
  
"No, I mean, um," Gabriel stammered while trying to keep the bracelet from touching his hand. His one experience with holding the thing had given him more insight than he wanted and had nearly drained him to death. He didn't want a repeat performance or worse. Now would be an extremely risky time to come into contact with it. As if sensing his fear, the gem brightened and he could swear he heard it giggling. "Sara," he squawked in a panic.  
  
The Wielder finally noticed the bracelet taunting Gabriel and let go of him just before the tendril managed to reach his hand. "Sorry," she sighed. "It's just that no one else but Irons and Nottingham know about this thing and well..." She trailed off, not wanting to bring up her recent torments at the hands of the assassin. Gabriel would probably find them amusing anyway and suggest that the psychotic stinker had a crush on her.   
*  
*  
********tbc  
.  
  
a/n: I originally posted this without having the second half of it beta'd - big mistake. I've got to learn not to post when jacked up on caffiene.   
I highly recommend reading anything by 'Neftzer', an extremely skilled and talented writer. I'm serious. As opposed to the silliness I post, it is highbrow in an excellent way and very intelligent. 'Epiphany' is touching and somber. 'Mobious goes on a dating game' is simply hilarious. The current 'Occupation' is not only rich and detailed but also provides a wonderful insight into the events of a staggering and nefarious part of world history. Elizabeth Bronte is amazing. Think of a highly educated and refined Sara. There are wonderful swashes of writing, expanding on minute but intrigueing details from the show. Rogue pointed out the use of piano keys and linked it back to Gabriel's refernce to them in the show. Neftzer's ability to express thoughts and feelings is amazing and seemingly done effortlessly, a writer who truly paints with words. 


	2. 2

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
poisson d'avril   
ch2  
  
*****************************  
"I'm not abandoning you, Sara," Gabriel stated. "But I don't see how me being a potential target for that thing is helping any. There is no way to control it or predict its actions today," he expressed.   
  
"There must be something you can do," Sara pleaded. Noting Gabriel's resigned expression she became annoyed. "You can't tell me to just deal with it," she argued. Wasn't he supposed to have all the answers? Judging by his sudden skittishness around the Blade, Sara suspected he was just too chicken to do anything.   
  
With an exasperated sigh, Gabriel slid back into the booth but kept his distance from the unpredictable amulet. "I wish I could help you, Sara, I really do. But there's no fooling Mother Nature, so to speak. You'll just have to wait out the storm'" he explained, placing a conciliatory hand on Sara's safely unadorned one.  
  
Seeing the sincerity and concern in his eyes, Sara felt bad for distrusting him. Without thinking, Sara gently clasped his hand in both of hers and the bracelet made its move. "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I know you wou-" she began, but was interrupted by a series of odd little noises from Gabriel as he disappeared beneath the table.  
  
"Gabriel?!" Sara squawked as she watched the blade clinging to the only part of Gabriel still visible. "Let go!" Sara shouted at the bracelet, attracting the attention of other diners to the spectacle of the detective clutching a hand as a body squirmed under the table.  
  
After several colorful threats from the Wielder, the Blade finally released Gabriel with a smug sparkley swirl. Sara eyed it suspiciously before realizing the other diners in the room were eyeing her in the same manner. Suddenly self conscious, Sara covered the mischievous menace as Gabriel reappeared.   
  
"That was interesting," he panted while crawling out from beneath the table.  
  
"Are you okay?" Sara asked nervously, trying to help him up with her unadorned arm.   
  
Gabriel responded by wagging a finger at Sara's bracelet and shaking his head. "Shameless miscreant," he scolded.  
  
Sara shot her bracelet a questioning look but it had gone dormant, looking for all the world like a harmless piece of jewelry. It struck Sara as the kind of behavior one would expect from a child who had been naughty and was trying to appear innocent.  
  
"What did it do?" Sara asked her slightly flushed friend.  
  
"I'm not really sure, but your lunch hour is probably over and I gotta go," Gabriel stated quickly. "You gonna be okay?" he inquired.   
  
"Um, I guess," Sara frowned. She was wondering what exactly transpired but decided to just let it go. "Can I get your number again?" she asked before explaining that someone had messed with her phone.   
  
Gabe complied and offered to pick up the tab, but Sara roughly refused. She figured it was the least she could do for leaving him in a 'less than dressed' state and accidentally assaulting him with the currently fickle Blade.  
  
"Try to keep her out of trouble," Gabriel advised with a gesture at Saras bracelet, before heading out.   
  
Sara plucked another bow off her bike as she sped back to the precinct, musing over how long it would take Jake to get back. Danny's goose chases were infamous within the department. She wondered how high she could get the betting pool before the rookie returned. An evil grin floated across her face as she dismounted from her bike, glad her spot was still empty. And a certain dark-clad prankster, situated on a nearby roof hoped it wasn't directed towards him.  
*  
********tbc  
.  
  
a/n: Roguegal17 actually wrote part of this. Although she has had extreme influence on my writing, she's never graced me with entire scenes before, so I feel a bit honored.   
  
Notice the tbc? Yup, I'm planning on boring the pants off you people by dragging this out. I've got Jake's goose chase to address, more horrors for poor Sara and an explanation from the pernicious black clad prankster. Poop, so much for an effortless whim. I really didn't want to become embrioiled in writing another long story but I can only blame myself. I think my big mistake was having the Blade involved. I wonder how long I'll be able to put this off.  
  
THANK YOU for the kind reviews and encouragement.   
  
p.s.  
  
Again, I suggest you check out 'Occupation'. I expanded on why I like Neftzer's writing in the author's notes of the revised first chapter. 


	3. 3

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
poisson d'avril   
ch2  
  
*****************************  
Ian was restless. Iron's had retreated to his 'safe place' after a particularly bad run-in with one of his relics, leaving the assassin with the day to himself.   
  
Throughout the morning, he had relished Sara's outraged reactions to his stunts. He knew he was being childish, but as Mark Twain once said; This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other 364.  
  
His glee had been dampened only when Sara had arranged to meet with the Bowman brat. He planned on paying Gabriel a visit before the day's end, but had no intention of enduring the Wielder's annoying camaraderie with the erudite gamin.   
  
Instead, the assassin had opted to stalk the rookie who was trying to accomplish Detective Woo's impossible errand. It proved to be thoroughly entertaining. He decided to desist frightening the man only after Jake had become unnerved enough to walk into a bakery with his gun out. Although this caused quite an amusing scene, the assassin could see that the rookie was about to snap.   
  
Returning to his rooftop perch, he watched as the main target of his mayhem pulled up to the precinct. He was about to give the signal to his minion waiting below when he noticed something disturbing.  
  
"Abort," Ian Nottingham hissed into his communications device.  
  
The man waiting to spritz Sara with 'Charlie' perfume paused. "Are you sure?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, desist!' the assassin ordered. Sara had a decidedly evil grin on her face and he wasn't about to tempt fate. Although the idea of the hardened detective explaining smelling girlie to her co-workers amused Ian, he wasn't sure what Sara was grinning about and decided to hold off his pranks for the moment.   
  
***  
  
Sara returned to find her partner casually flipping through a file and sipping his coffee. "Any bets going on Jake's return time?" she asked.  
  
"Nope, too much chaos going on with the pranks people are discovering. Jake should be glad I got him out of the office," Danny stated. Looking up, he noticed Sara seemed quite a bit calmer than when she'd left. "How was lunch?" He asked, leaning back in his chair.  
  
"Relatively prank free," Sara replied cheerfully; though she doubted Gabriel would agree.  
  
"So your not-so-secret admirer is either taking a lunch break or superstitious," Danny determined.  
  
"He's more psycho antagonist than secret admirer and what do you mean, superstitious?" Sara inquired.  
  
"Ah, there's a faction who believe that it's bad luck to prank people after noon," Danny explained.  
  
"Really?" Sara stole a hopeful glance at her bracelet. Danny raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. "So are you in that faction, Danny?" Sara prodded, diverting his attention.  
  
"The answer to that question is on Jake's chair. I advise you not to sit in it," her partner smiled.  
  
Sara examined Jake's chair but could see nothing odd about it. She wondered if Danny had loosened a screw or something. "You're not destroying police property now, are you, Woo?" Sara teased.  
  
"Nah, just decorating it. I picked up some Cairo syrup on lunch," Danny responded.  
  
"I don't see anything," Sara commented. "Did you coat the whole thing?" Sara asked, staring at the vinyl seat.   
  
"Nope, just drew a smiley face. If you spread the syrup thin enough, it can't be seen unless the light hits it just right, but it's enough to leave a stain. Bad day to be wearing light colored pants," Danny grinned.  
  
"So you aren't afraid of bad luck, I take it," the Wielder decided.  
  
"I'm not that superstitious in the first place. Besides, I wouldn't believe it, anyway. You 'know' that rule must've been made up by whiners who couldn't take an entire day of pranks," Danny reasoned.  
  
"Well, count me in with the whiners, cause I wouldn't mind a reprieve," Sara stated with a sigh.  
  
"Your stalker does seem to be pretty relentless," Danny empathized.  
  
Sara was about to reply, but was distracted by the appearance of a very flustered looking Jake. "You okay, Rookie?" she queried.  
  
"Oh man," Jake heaved as he plopped down into his doctored chair. "I have had the worst time. I couldn't find that info you wanted, Danny," he sighed, shaking his head.  
  
Sara was glad she hadn't placed any bets. She certainly didn't expect Jake back this soon, but then, he did surprise her now and then.  
  
"What happened?" Danny asked calmly, masking his chortle with a cough.  
  
"I ended up running all over the place," Jake griped. "And everywhere I went, some guy would just pop up out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me!" he declared. "He was like Dracula or something," the rookie shuddered.  
  
Danny and Sara raised an eyebrow in tandem. "Did he accost you?" Sara queried, pretty sure she had an idea who Jake's Dracula was.  
  
"Not really, but by the time I got to Rollo's bakery, I was so freaked out that I'd forgotten to put my gun away. Rollo freaked, the customers freaked and it just went downhill from there," the rookie relayed.  
  
"Sorry to hear that," Sara consoled, barely hiding her smirk. At least Nottingham was spreading the joy.  
  
"Did I miss anything while I was out?" he asked, hoping to take his mind off the recurring vampiric vision that was still haunting him.  
  
"Not really, just paperwork" Danny replied. "It's been a pretty calm day, aside from the pranks."  
  
"Yeah, that was fun," Jake snorted.  
  
"Was?" Danny asked with a grin.  
  
"Yeah, It's bad luck to prank after noon," the Rookie stated as if it were obvious.  
  
Danny merely smiled.  
  
"Well, I'm gonna go grab something to eat," Jake stated, getting up from his seat. As he headed out, the smiley face on his butt beamed merrily at the two detectives.  
  
*****************************  
  
a/n: Whew! Roguegal said I can end it here if I like. But she also had suggestions of a couple things she'd like to see. Whatcha think? Okay ending or premature bail?  
  
I'm not sure if it's legal to describe what the Blade did to Gabriel, hee! ^_^   
  
p.s. There is a beautiful 'broken' lament in ch11 of 'occupation'. 


	4. 4

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
poisson d'avril   
ch3  
  
*****************************  
  
Detectives Woo and Pezinni silently waited for Jake to get out of hearing range before simultaneously exploding with laughter. Sara, gripping her aching sides, rose to close the door on Orlinsky's face before he could ask them what the hell was so funny. As the irate detective scowled outside, Sara and Danny struggled to calm their giggle fits.  
  
"That was, Ha, a.. Excellent work, Woo'" Sara gasped.  
  
"I aim to please," Danny stated with a smug smile, vaguely resembling the one on Detective McCarty's ass. Sara noticed this, and burst into another peel of laughter.  
  
Danny shot Sara a questioning look, but decided not to ask. Sara had been acting weird and making faces all morning. When she had screamed at the contents of her desk drawer, he'd decided he simply wasn't in the loop of all the pranks being played and probably didn't want to be.  
  
Musing over the rookie's potentially amusing lunchbreak, Sara and her partner settled back to working on their respective filework. Danny was calmly filling out forms while the Wielder tried to ignore the dirty jokes her bracelet was telling her between visions of Jake's late lunch.   
  
Sara tried to hide her smirk as image after image showed people of both genders returning the smile on the rookies' behind. Jake's reaction, when he caught these looks, was swinging wildly between smug acceptance and uncomfortable dismay.  
  
*****************************  
  
Ian had patched his wireless into the precinct's, and his own additional, surveillance systems. The assassin had looked up from the device's screen as Jake sauntered out of the building, amused and impressed by Detective Woo's cleverness.   
  
The exact goal of the stunt hadn't dawned on him until he noticed a group of men in suits, checking out the rookie's butt and smiling with intrigued expressions. Ian surmised that one of the men must have commented when Jake had glanced back over his shoulder. Apparently, Detective McCarty noticed the group's admiration of his posterior, as the rookie's gait had immediately switched from cocky saunter to hurried scamper.  
  
Detective Woo's folly was simple, yet devious. The assassin sincerely hoped that if Sara did indeed retaliate, she would not turn to her partner for advice. With that thought in mind, Ian called the previously halted minion and gave him a new target.  
  
*****************************   
  
Luckily for Sara, Danny was too absorbed in his work to notice the odd expressions that managed to cross her face, despite her attempts to suppress them. The Wielder's mental rebukes to the Blade only served to spur it on. However, it wasn't until the bracelet showed her it's activities with Gabriel that she finally lost it. "What?" Sara screeched, jumping out of her chair.  
  
He loud exclamation and the clattering of the chair in the previously quiet room startled her partner into violently spilling his coffee. "Jeeze, Pez. What was THAT about?" Danny asked peevishly as he wiped at the spill with a napkin.  
  
Sara was too stunned for a moment to reply. When she finally came to her senses, she was at a loss for an explanation. "I... Uh..." she trailed off, trying to think of something believable. Danny wasn't in the least bit dense and was already suspicious of her behavior. 'I saw a spider' or the like wasn't going to fly with her perceptive partner.   
  
"C'mon Pez, and don't tell me you saw a spider, cause you already tried that one," Danny groaned.  
  
Fortunately for Sara, the rookie managed to save her from the inquisition. the Wielder silently sighed in relief as Jake suddenly burst into the office coughing, wheezing and reeking of perfume.  
  
"What the-," Danny asked before pinching his nose in response to the overpowering olfactory offense. Jake's scented appearance had wiped Sara's outburst from his mind.  
  
"Gee Jake, you smell terrific," Sara mocked as she pinched her nose also. "Though you might want to go a little lighter on the cologne next time," she added.  
  
"Cologne?" Danny questioned with a raised brow. "Smells like girls' perfume to me," he commented. "Are you-?" Detective Woo began to ask, but was cut off by an irate Jake.  
  
"I'm not gay!" the rookie protested vehemently.  
  
"Take it easy Jake," Sara advised with a calming motion. "No one's challenging your machismo," she pacified. She was tempted to take a jab at his choice of fragrance but the rookie was already riled. Besides, she was a bit grateful for his opportune distraction.  
  
"It wasn't- I didn't. Ahhg. It was this zippy little guy," he disparaged.  
  
"Little Zippy guy?" Sara repeated, confused.  
  
"Was it a midget?" Danny asked excitedly.  
  
Sara sighed; she never did understand guys' bizarre amusement over midgets. She also didn't understand what midgets had to do with Jake reeking of 'Charlie', anyway.   
  
Jake looked thoughtful for a moment. "No, not really, but close," he determined. "But he was small and really fast. He came out of nowhere, sprayed this stuff in my face and just totally coated me all over. He just kept squirting and squirting," the rookie complained morosely.  
  
"I can't believe a trained police officer was completely helpless at the hands of a squirting midget," Danny commented, completely ignoring Jake's statement that it wasn't really a midget.  
  
"I tried to get away, but my eyes were stinging and he was just too fast," the rookie protested.  
  
"Ahh, um, sorry to hear that," Sara offered.   
  
Just as Danny was about to comment, a scowling Orlinsky returned. His anticipated lambasting of Sara for slamming the door in his face and further questioning of the two detectives' mirth was aborted by a grin as he checked out Jake's ass. "I like the statement Rookie, but you might want to go a little easy on the perfume. It's not 'Deep-woods OFF', you know," he commented.  
  
Jake half-turned to face Orlinsky, who was still flicking glances to the rookie's posterior. "What are you- Hey! Stop checking out my ass!" Jake barked at his superior. "That's harassment, you know," he added warningly.  
  
Orlinsky simply held up his hands in surrender. Whatever was going on here was definitely not worth the trouble. Deciding to chalk the two detectives' behavior up to McCarty's hysteria, he decided to just let the matter drop and walk away.  
  
********************************  
  
a/n : Okay. I finally caved and made a follow up. Hope it didn't disappoint. I know, I know, Sara didn't get payback. Sorry. I had no choice, the muses seem to be running the show. Sorry they've been picking on Jake so much. I honestly have nothing against the poor guy. Rogue did want him smelling girly so at least I fulfilled one wish.  
  
Aaaaarg. The tenebrous muses are killing me and I can't get to it because I just got caught in an undertow of work. Gah! 


	5. 5

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
poisson d'avril   
ch5 Yaay! I made it in time! Happy April 1st!  
  
*****************************  
  
Danny wiped a tear of mirth from his eye as Orlinsky shuffled off, or maybe it was the overpowering scent of 'Charlie' making his eyes water, he wasn't sure.   
  
"Hey Rookie, maybe you should go home and get yourself cleaned up. Or better yet, just bail early," Danny suggested. "I don't think I can take much more of your midget's perfume assault," he muttered while fanning the air with a folder.  
  
"Really?" Jake chirped, looking hopeful. The morning had been fun, but the afternoon had turned out to be a living hell. He wouldn't mind escaping the heathens that had no respect for the noon cutoff rule.  
  
"Yeah, seriously, you're killing me with the stench," Danny replied with a sour face.  
  
Jake looked to Pez for a dissent, but judging by her facial expression and her wafting gestures, she concurred.  
  
"Cool! Thanks guys," the rookie breathed. As he bent to gather his things, Sara got a full-on beam.  
  
"No problem. Hope you and your happy ass enjoy yourselves," Sara chuckled. As soon as the words escaped her lips, she mentally kicked herself. Danny, however, merely grinned.   
  
"Happy wha- Huh?" Jake blurted, suddenly looking suspicious. Getting no response other than smirks, Jake began twisting frantically in circles, looking much like a dog chasing its tail as he tried to catch sight of his rear. After a few giggles and snorts from Sara and Danny, he finally gave up and fondled his butt in front of the other two detectives.  
  
"Jeeze, Jake really. There are some things I don't need to see," Danny complained, looking away and making a face.  
  
Ignoring Danny's comment, Jake wiped his hands on his shirt with a disgusted look. "My ass is sticky!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Again, more information than I needed," Danny quipped.  
  
Jake shot him an annoyed look while Pez giggled hysterically. "Very funny, Woo," Jake grumbled.   
  
Reluctant to go outside the office without knowing exactly what was on his behind, Jake went over to the cubby where he hid his emergency hair gel and a mirror. However, as he reached inside the dark crevice, his hand came across something foreign. Pulling the small object into the light, Detective McCarty gasped in horror.  
  
****  
Outside the precinct, hidden from view, another man winced.  
****   
  
"Someone's been spying on me!" Jake snarled. It was bad enough someone had discovered his hiding place, but using it as a spot to monitor the results of their pranks was just too much. Jake was pissed.  
  
"What are you tal-" Danny halted his question as he saw the spy camera Jake was gripping in anger.  
  
Danny may have been surprised, but his partner certainly wasn't. "They're not necessarily spying on you, Jake," Sara muttered. She had wondered if Nottingham was monitoring the progress of his mayhem.  
  
Ignoring Sara's comment, Jake tried to think of anyone who knew a thing or two about electronic devices, had access to the office and would be pagan enough to break the noon rule. It didn't take him long to deduce who the culprit was.   
  
"It's that Gabriel guy," Jake spat. "Thinks he's so smart; him and his cameras and his Bulgarian and sassy comebacks," the rookie ranted on.   
  
"Its not him," Sara interjected, but Jake obviously wasn't listening. She supposed his conclusion was from Gabriel filming them and Jake's discomfort around him. She honestly didn't understand why McCarty mistrusted her friend so much.   
  
"Not smart to mess with a cop, Bowman," Jake threatened the minute camera. "I'll show you my genius!" the Rookie snarled.   
  
*****  
  
The assassin, watching Jake's display, could not contain his mirth. Passerby's jumped in alarm and pigeons scattered, as a sudden burst of uproarious laughter erupted from a nearby rooftop.   
  
*****  
  
"It's not Gabriel," Sara insisted, hoping to calm the Rookie before he completely lost it and went after her friend. Breaking into Talismanic would be a bad call for Jake anyway, since even Gabriel was avoiding the place because of the talismans. She could just picture the poor Rookie being assaulted by various objects.  
  
"What makes you think its not him?" Jake challenged, obviously not convinced. "He likes cameras." he argued.  
  
Sara let out an exasperated sigh. "He likes lots of things, Jake," Sara retorted. This unfortunately brought up an image that made her blush. Hoping Jake and Danny hadn't noticed, she continued; "I have a pretty good idea who placed that there and it wasn't Gabriel."   
  
"Oh, yeah, who? Who else could have just waltzed in here during lunch and pulled all this crap?" Jake demanded, folding his arms over his chest. "And I know that's when he did it, cause that's when everything started happening and he's just the type to not follow rules. Probably deliberately waited till noon to throw me off," he seethed.   
  
Sara gave Jake a smug smile before addressing his tirade. "Well Jake, there ya have it. If it was definitely done at lunch time, then it definitely wasn't Gabriel. He was at lunch with me," she returned.  
  
Danny tapped his forehead thoughtfully. "Oh, was that the friend you met for lunch?" he queried with a smile.  
  
"Yeah," Sara answered, wondering what was on her partner's mind.  
  
Jake was nonplused, he was sure he had the culprit nailed. "So who is it, then?" he plied.  
  
"Just a highly skilled and dangerous man with a crush on Sara," Danny smirked, earning him a beleaguered look from his partner.  
  
"A crush on HER?" Jake disputed, pointing at Sara and scrunching his face in disbelief.   
  
This earned him fully raised eyebrows from a slightly offended Ms. Pezinni.  
  
"I mean, well," Jake stammered, realizing his faux pas. "If he has a crush on her, why would he make my ass all sticky and spray me with perfume?" came his reasonable query.  
  
Though Jake had made a good point, Danny had serious reservations about Jake's choice of words. "Hey, think about it Jake, once a guy's got the girl's attention, he proceeds to debase every other male threat in her presence to gain superiority," Danny reasoned.  
  
"So why hasn't he assaulted you?" Jake asked suspiciously.  
  
"Because, apparently, I'm not a threat," Danny reasoned as he watched Sara digest this explanation. "Besides, there may be more than one culprit," he admitted.  
  
"So Bowman might be working with the guy," Jake suggested, not wanting to give up completely on his original suspect.   
  
Sara couldn't restrain a guffaw at this notion.  
  
"No, I just think there is more here than meets the eye," Danny explained, leaving Jake completely confused but reminding him of his sticky bottom.   
  
Reaching back into his cubby, Jake pulled out his mirror and examined his defaced trousers. "Oh, man!" he griped, Dante's new moniker of 'sunny cheeks' now obvious. He thought the man was commenting on his California smile, and now wished he could take back the retort that had made Dante flush and the other officers stifle nervous laughs.   
  
"How long have I been sporting a face on my fanny?" Jake demanded irritably. He was a bit irked that niether one of them had told him about it. He shot a suspicious glance at his chair, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. He would have spotted a smiley face before he sat in it earlier, anyway, he reasoned.   
  
"Not that I keep tabs on your backside, Jake, but it wasn't there this morning," Danny replied. "Must've happened around lunch time, like you said," he stated smoothly, managing to neither lie, nor give himself away.  
  
"It was probably your Dracula stalker," Sara suggested, deciding to pin the blame on Nottingham. She figured it as the least she could do, after all his pranks on her.  
  
"That scary guy?" Jake uttered, trying to suppress a shudder at the thought. Did 'highly skilled' mean the man could even draw on his ass without him knowing? The guy did have an almost supernatural ability to appear out of nowhere.   
  
"Great," he grumbled in despair. There was no way he would want to even attempt revenge on that guy. "He won't be laying in wait for me outside, will he?" Jake queried, shooting a worried look at Sara.  
  
"Good lord, Jake, are you asking me to escort you home?" Sara teased.  
  
"Of course not," Jake huffed. "I was just wondering. Cause if he is, he's gonna get what's coming to him. That's all I'm saying," Jake relayed confidently.  
  
Sara and Danny exchanged amused glances. "Okay, you do that, Jake," Sara encouraged.  
  
"Try not to go too hard on him," Danny added with a smirk.  
  
Noting their sarcasm, Jake shot them his classic 'bite me' expression before skulking off in a scented haze of exasperation. "I am so out of here," floated across the floral air as he trudged out of sight.  
  
Sara turned back to her partner in concerned curiosity. "You think 'sunny cheeks' will deduce the real culprit, once he's had a chance to chew on the matter?" Sara queried.  
  
"Nah," Danny smiled as he wetted a napkin and removed the evidence from Jake's chair. "Anyway, where's the proof?" he grinned.  
  
"You are truly devious, Woo," Sara complemented. "You haven't pulled any pranks on me, have you?" Sara asked, suddenly paranoid. She briefly tried to check her own backside, a la Jake twirling.  
  
Danny laughed at her subdued 'dog chasing tail' performance. "Don't worry, Pez. I never pull the same pranks twice," he reassured. "Besides, you've probably endured enough pranks for today and I'm not willing to be on the receiving end of your infamous temper," he added.  
  
"Wish Nottingham had the same reservations," Sara commented. Though she noticed he'd switched targets when she had neared her boiling point. At least her temper was good for something she mused.  
  
"Well, at least he's tormenting Jake, now, instead of you," Danny consoled. "Hehe, a midget," he chuckled absently.  
  
"You really think Nottingham sees Jake as a threat?" Sara asked worriedly.  
  
"That was just some crap I made up to get him out of here. The guy really did reek," Danny stated. "Damn Pez, you worry too much," he commented, while grabbing his jacket.  
  
"Where are you going?" Sara asked.  
  
"I'm gonna go grab a coffee, get outta here till the smell dissipates," Danny answered.  
  
Deciding that was a good plan, Sara donned her jacket and joined him. "Ya got any ideas on how I can get back at Nottingham?" Was the last thing the assassin heard before they left the range of his listening device.  
  
  
*****************************  
  
  
a/n: I sincerely apologize again, for my treatment of poor Jake.  
  
Thanks, again to Roguegal17. I have been told that the next part of her saga will be finished soon. :)  
  
Shauna Lee! - Thanks for taking a peep at what you instigated. ^_^ I am unwisely typing this with a soda in hand. I guess I just don't learn.   
  
Beck and Nanz - My apologies for not managing to get a good prank in on Ian. The muses seem to be running the show and I simply ran out of time. :(  
  
Fae - hehe, your comment reminded me of the hilarious 'dirty pigeon' video. Now, I'm gonna have to find that link again.  
  
LefemmeLurker - Such a cool name. Why in the heck did I pick 'scooter'? Gah! Anyway, it's nice to know at least one person won't be throwing rocks at me for my horrific tormenting of the man.  
  
Cindy - Although the work hasn't let up, the muses did indeed attack, leaving me sleepless, ditsy and a bit spastic. But with a lot of writing on both stories. I can't think of any dirty jokes. The only thing I usually remember about jokes, is the laughing part. I'd be interested if anyone had some to tell tho.  
  
Thank's again to everyone who humored me by responding to this little fit of writing. 


	6. 6

A very sweet and talented writer had convinced me to continue this despite my self inflicted cut-off date of April 1st. I decided to post it here as well, since it's already written. I hope it amuses, er at least a little. I miss the 'not exactly a midget'.  
  
The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
  
poisson d'avril   
ch6  
  
*****************************  
  
As the two detectives stepped out into the balmy spring air, Sara pleaded with her hesitant partner. "You've got to have some idea how I can get back at Nottingham, Danny. I need retribution," she insisted.  
  
Detective Woo considered Sara's entreaty briefly before deciding to go with self-preservation, despite his partner's hopeful expression.  
  
"Don't drag me in on this, Pez," Danny responded. "The man may be sweet on you, but I'm not so sure he wouldn't take a pot shot at me," he stated.  
  
"He wouldn't know it was you, Danny," Sara argued. When her argument was met by silence she decided to push. "It's not like I couldn't come up with a plan on my own," she griped as they headed towards a coffee stand.   
  
To this, Danny raised an amused eyebrow. "Okay, tell me your plan then," he challenged amicably.  
  
Detective Pezzini furrowed her brows in thought for a full thirty seconds before giving up.   
  
Her partner couldn't help but laugh. "Oh Sara, there is no way in hell it won't get pinned on me," He protested. "That's all I need; some dangerous guy with a vendetta," he added, shaking his head.  
  
"C'mon, please. Just one idea, anything." Sara pleaded.  
  
With a martyred sigh, Danny gave in - sort of. "Okay. Barter," he stated flatly.  
  
"Barter?" Sara whined, not a bit happy with Danny's solution.  
  
"Yeah, you tell me what was up with you this morning and I give you a trick to play on 'Vlad the stalker'," Danny replied.  
  
Sara blanched. Of course, Danny would zoom right in on the one trade she couldn't make. "I, I was just on edge," Sara stated nervously.  
  
"Being on edge does not explain why you found a very depressing case file suddenly incredibly amusing or why Orlinsky's tie gave you the creeps... all morning."   
  
Sara tried for a rebuttal, but only managed silent gesticulations as Danny continued.  
  
"Nor does it explain you suddenly freezing up and posing like some messed up mannequin. Man, Pez, you were standing there for nearly five minutes, posing with that cup like some bizarre coffee ad. Jake balanced a file on your head, you know," Danny asserted.  
  
*So that's why there were papers fluttering around me when I came to,* Sara mused. The bracelet on her wrist snickered mockingly at Sara's reverie. "I don't have any other explanation, Danny, I was flustered," Sara insisted. "You saw all that crap Nottingham pulled on me, and... and it was worse before I even got here. He put bows on my bike!" she exclaimed.   
  
"No deal, I'm not buying it," Danny sighed. "I'm not going to risk payback from Nosferatu for the usual, 'I was edgy/tired' excuse. You've been way too weird today and Dante said he saw you giving yourself the finger while wearing some weird 'Transformers' glove," Danny stated.   
  
"How about a new deal, something else?" Sara suggested, handing Danny a coffee.  
  
Danny considered the offer, while sipping what he assumed to be some sort of weak bribery. "Hm... Okay. Answer me another question... Truthfully," he suggested.  
  
"Sure, anything," Sara quickly agreed, hoping the other question didn't also involve the blade.   
  
"You bonked Bowman at lunch, didn't you." Danny stated, rather then asked.  
  
Unfortunately, Sara had chosen the wrong moment to take a sip of coffee. Her response was neither a 'yes' or 'no', but a spray of hot liquid on the man who had just sold her the beverage.  
  
"Jebus Cripes, Lady! What is you problem!" the man screeched.  
  
"Oh! Sorry! I'm so sorry," Sara babbled, backing up just in case the man decided to take a swing at her. Fortunately, the proprietor made no such lunge, so she attempted to make amends. As she reached for a napkin, however, she noticed the wayward amulet on her wrist twinkling with glee. Not sure if it was amused by her doubled distress or hankering to get her into a brawl, she quickly flung the paper wipes at the man and rammed her hand into her jacket pocket.  
  
As the wad of napkins smacked the street vendor in the chest, the man noticed Sara's swift and suspicious movement. Thinking she was about to threaten him with a gun, he quickly backed up as well. He was about to start screaming for the police when Sara's partner intervened, albeit not to the advantage of Sara's reputation.  
  
"It's okay, sir. Calm down, I'm a police officer," Danny soothed, stepping between the two and flashing his badge. "This woman is a bit touched in the head, but completely harmless," he stated.  
  
The vendor stared wide-eyed at the detective a moment before slowly nodding his understanding. "A crazy," he stated, finally.  
  
"Yeah, just a crazy. Sorry for the trouble," Danny professed politely before snagging Sara's elbow and hustling her away. "Damn, Pez, I can't believe the stunt you pulled just to get out of answering a simple question," he complained to his miffed partner once they were out of earshot of the vendor.  
  
"I wha? Danny, that was an accident!" Sara howled.  
  
"Maybe my question took you by surprise, but throwing those napkins and pretending to go for a weapon, was not funny," Danny conveyed miserably. "You nearly gave the guy a seizure," he scowled.  
  
"It was, I wh- I'm sorry," Sara groaned pitifully. She really hated the Blade today. No wonder Gabriel stayed away from his shop on April 1st. After all the Talisman's shenanigans, all it had to do was twinkle to freak her out.  
  
Danny stopped and shook his head. "I wish you'd just told me to back off, rather than act out like that. Two reports of 'homicide detectives gone wild' in the same day would not have pleased the captain," he scolded.  
  
Sara had forgotten about Jake's incident. She was lucky Danny had calmed the man. She really didn't need to see her picture next to Jake's in 'The Voice', under the headline: 'Homicide cops turn homicidal'.  
  
"You definitely owe me an answer now," Danny stated irritably, causing his partner to flinch.   
  
It took Sara a moment to realize Danny was talking about Gabriel, and not her napkin assault on the vendor. "Oh, you mean about..." Sara sighed.  
  
"You doing Bowman," her partner finished. "God, Sara, you used to tell me all kinds of stuff. I can't believe your hiding something so minor," Danny griped.   
  
"Danny, I did not 'bonk' Gabriel," Sara stated. "And I have no idea where you came up with that ridiculous notion," she retorted.  
  
"Oh c'mon, Pez. You come back from lunch all calm and relaxed," Danny crooned teasingly.  
  
"How do you derive 'I had sex' from that?" She demanded.  
  
"You were a wreck when you left. AND you practically went crimson when you told Jake; 'Gabriel likes lots of things'. Honestly, it's obvious," Detective Woo stated with a smirk.  
  
The Wielder was appalled. She couldn't believe she was taking the rap for her bracelet going nympho on Gabriel. "Well, you're wrong. *I* didn't do anything," Sara argued.   
  
"Oh really?" Danny countered, obviously not convinced.  
  
"It wasn't me," Sara began, only to have Nottingham's *I was possessed* soliloquy suddenly pop into her head, making her wish she could pop the irksome Blade. "You know what? Forget it. Fine, we went at it like rabbits. Now how do I get back at Nottingham?" Sara snapped.  
*************************  
  
Rather than brood over what evil plot Sara's partner would cook up on her behalf, Ian decided to occupy himself by challenging the Rookie's threat. Allowing his odiferous target a little time to 'air out' before striking, he waited till the man reached his car.  
  
Jake was fumbling for his car keys while trying to keep his fanny covered, when a shadow suddenly fell over him.  
  
"Hello, smiley cheeks," Ian purred with a grin, deliberately startling the Rookie senseless as he materialized inches from the blonde's face.  
  
"Gblah!" Jake blurted, nearly peeing his pants and dropping the keys.  
  
"So when do I get it, Detective?" the assassin murmured cheekily.  
  
"Get w- what?" the Rookie stammered, thoroughly confused by the intimidating man's question.   
  
"What's coming to me," Ian stated archly.  
  
Jake's mind drew a complete blank... and then started scribbling a variety of images he'd rather not see. "Whoa, hey! I'm not- um... Never," the Rookie finally managed, trying to stand his ground.  
  
"Never?" Nottingham queried, stepping back and feigning a look of shock. He was actually grateful to have an excuse to remove himself from the blonde's proximity, as he had begun to wish he'd waited longer for Jake's 'Charlie' scent to fade. The assassin's little minion had really gotten the Rookie good.   
  
Jake was still unsure of what the man expected to get from him but decided to stick by his decision. "Yeah, sorry pal," Jake stated, crossing his arms and trying to appear manly and in control despite his 'Empowered woman' scent.  
  
Judging by Jake's response, the assassin concluded that the Rookie had completely forgot his threat in the precinct, even though Ian had repeated it practically word for word. Obviously, all the ass ogling had affected his mind. "That is most likely a wise decision, Detective," Ian paused before adding; "Albeit cowardly," before vanishing from view.   
  
In the blink of an eye, Jake was left standing alone by his car. As if the assassin's departure somehow allowed his brain to resume functioning, the meaning behind the arresting, black-clad man's query smacked him in the head. "Oh crap" Jake muttered.  
  
Furious that the intimidating stalker had tricked him into accidentally negating his boast, Jake snatched his keys from the ground and decided to head home with what little dignity he had left. A good workout and a little flexing in the mirror would probably cheer him up, though some type of revenge would be better.  
  
As he was driving home, brooding over his temporary Alzheimer's fit and the dark man's emasculating comment, Jake happened to spy a familiar figure strolling merrily through Central Park. "Kismet," he murmured with a smile.  
************************* 


	7. 7

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
  
*warnings, apologies and excuses* Swearing ******************** denotes change of scenery  
  
poisson d'avril ch 7 *****************************  
  
Detective Woo snickered at his partner's impudent outburst. "Nice visual, Pez," He chortled.   
  
Sara merely rolled her eyes. She really didn't need anymore visuals. As it was, it would probably be months before she could even look at Gabriel without turning crimson. The bawdy blade had perused every inch and nerve of his body like a band of brazen hussies. She was actually impressed by her friend's restraint, even though the sensory overload had rendered him temporarily unconscious before the Blade finally released him.  
  
"Yo! Pez!" Danny hailed, bringing her out of her reverie.   
  
"Uh, sorry," Sara mumbled, embarrassed that she couldn't even really blame the Blade this time.   
  
Not wanting to know the cause of Sara's overt battle with salacity and chagrin, Danny pressed on to the task at hand. "I do have a plan for getting a little payback on your stalker," Danny began. "But we're going to need outside assistance since Mr. Badass isn't your regular Joe. If Jake thinks the guy has enough covert skills to draw a smiley on his ass without him knowing, he must be pretty stealthy and cunning, which rules out any plan involving his person or possessions," Danny surmised. "He's just a guy, not a god, Danny," Sara argued.   
  
Disregarding Sara's protest, Detective Woo continued his assessment. "We won't be able to sneak up on him or anything like that and he'll be expecting some sort of prank from you. That also rules out any phone calls or you approaching him. So we're gonna have to do this remotely, relying on his curiosity and the assumption that he is still monitoring the office," he added.  
  
"So what outside help were you thinking?" Sara queried. Revenge was beginning to sound impossible by Danny's observations and she was beginning to wonder if her partner was considering calling in the National Guard.  
  
"Bowman and your bracelet," Danny stated flatly.  
  
Sara's first thought was: *No way in hell was she letting those two in a room together again.* Her second thought was: *WHAT THE #$%*?!*   
  
Danny simply shrugged his shoulders in response to Sara's gaping astonishment.  
  
"My bracelet? What are you talking about?" Sara nervously babbled, tucking it behind her back as if her partner might make a grab for it.   
  
"Pez, I'm a detective," Danny sighed. "That thing lights up like you've got an incoming call," he stated, pointing to the currently docile amulet. "And suddenly you have information that no-one else does," he asserted and took a sip of coffee while ignoring the fact that Sara looked as if she might begin hyperventilating at any moment.  
  
"I um," Sara stammered, searching desperately for an excuse or anything to negate his theory.  
  
"AND you're suddenly best buddies with a guy who deals in talismans and weird stuff," Detective Woo appended. "So what is it - some kind of ancient telecommunications device?" he queried flippantly.   
  
"Um, uh... Sorta, I guess," Sara admitted reluctantly. There really didn't seem to be any point in arguing at this point. But since Danny knew something about the blade's capabilities she was a bit miffed that he'd blamed the coffee incident on her.  
  
"So if you already guessed what this thing can do, why did you act like the coffee vendor assault was my idea?" Sara accused.  
  
"It told you to throw napkins at the guy and ram your fist in your pocket?" Danny quipped, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. "Sorry, I didn't catch it glowing that time, must've been distracted," he muttered casually.  
  
The way he put it, it did sound ridiculous. "I... It's been acting up today," Sara sighed. She had to admit it was quite a relief that Danny had accepted her bracelet so easily. She wondered how long it had taken him to figure it out.  
  
"Ah... So the mannequin impersonations, screaming at drawers and odd expressions were all because that thing is malfunctioning." Danny concluded. "Hm, maybe we shouldn't do this," he suggested.   
  
"What?! No, we have to, I need this Danny" Sara whined. "Nottingham made my morning a living hell," Sara complained. "My toothpaste, my coffee, my window, the condoms..." she prattled on.  
  
"You sure you want to risk it?" Danny queried hesitantly.   
  
"Yes," Sara stated determinedly. She refused to back down from a challenge; she was the Wielder, after all.   
  
"Okay, but if this backfires because of that thing glitching, I am heading for the hills and you are on your own," Danny stated earnestly.  
  
"Understood," Detective Pezzini avowed before getting on with the scheme. "So what do we need Gabriel for?" Sara queried, feeling her resolve waver at the thought of addressing him after what her naughty blade did to him.  
  
"He's our outside guy," Danny disclosed. "Your stalker shouldn't suspect him as the instigator and him dropping by with the ploy should be pretty believable. After that, it will be up to you and your funky bracelet to do the rest," he resolved.  
  
*************************  
  
Jake parked his car and headed into Central Park on foot. By the time he caught up with his intended target, Gabriel was splayed in the grass, seemingly asleep in the dappled sunlight.   
  
The Rookie sized up Mr. Smarty-Pants as he sidled up to him, figuring he could take the slender man easily if he gave him any guff. He was really hoping he would. Someone had to pay for the crap he'd been put through and Bowman's contentedly relaxed demeanor was just asking for some whoopass.  
  
"Hey Bowman," Jake spat derisively.  
  
Gabriel's serene repose had been rudely defiled when some woman whose liberal application of perfume could be considered a health hazard, strode up to him. "Ugh! Lady..." he coughed before realizing it was a man addressing him.   
  
Jake was pissed that the delinquent had gotten in the first insult, but decided to ignore the remark. As Gabriel attempted to roll over, Jake placed his foot squarely on his stomach. "Uh, uh," He warned, applying pressure when the younger man tried to wriggle away.   
  
Squinting up at the stinky offender, Gabriel realized it was Sara's rookie partner and he was confused. "McCartey? What's with the perfume?" he queried, wondering why they guy was pinning him to the ground.   
  
"I got a couple questions for you BOWman," Jake stated imperiously.  
  
"If it's about your choice in fragrance, I think it fits you pretty well, but you might want to go a little lighter with the application," Gabriel asserted, still a bit disconcerted about the foot on his belly. Maybe everyone else had just run away from the man's stench and he was desperate for a captive audience to review his new girly cologne, he speculated.  
  
"It's not about that," the Rookie snapped. His own sense of smell had adjusted to the scent and he didn't see why Gabriel was making such a big deal about it. "It's about what you've been up to today," Jake stated. "What 'have' you been doing?" he inquired in a menacing tone, leaning in closer.  
  
Gabriel responded with a coughing fit that jiggled the detective's foot. McCartey's increased proximity brought the stench up to unbearable levels and he was beginning to consider Jake's interrogation torture. "Please,..." he managed, while grasping for something to cover his nose. His eyes had started to water by the time he managed to latch on to his discarded jacket and press it to his face. "... back off," he pleaded through the blessed fabric.  
  
"Uh, uh," Jake replied, pleased to have the guy begging. "You're going to tell me EXACTLY everything you've done today," he commanded with a satisfied smirk.  
  
"Everything?" Gabriel squeaked through the cloth. "But why? Can't you just ask me what you think I did?" he implored, hoping to get the session over quickly.   
  
"What I KNOW you did," Jake corrected. "And you're going to tell me," he jeered smugly, staring Gabriel straight in the eyes.  
  
"I... woke up; showered; had lunch with Sara and went for a stroll in the park. That's it," Gabriel shrugged. It was pretty much the truth.  
  
"You're lying," Detective McCartey stated firmly. He could tell by the way Gabriel had quickly averted his eyes while mentioning 'lunch'. He was hiding something. "I KNOW you weren't just eating a burger or chatting with Sara around noon. I want details of every minute of your *lunch*, Bowman," Jake demanded, giving Gabriel's stomach a small thrust with his foot.  
  
A gasp of dismay escaped Gabriel's lips with the forced exhalation. Surely McCartey couldn't know about the incident with Sara's amulet. And if he did, why would he demand details of the scandalous affair?  
  
Bowman's reaction had confirmed Jake's suspicions. They guy had obviously been up to something, judging by his 'deer caught in the headlights' expression and sudden stillness. "Well, Bowman? I'm waiting." Jake pressured. He loved interrogations, they were his specialty.  
  
Even if the Rookie had somehow found out about the Blade's activities with him, it still didn't explain why McCartey had suddenly turned into some deranged, lewd pervert. Did the guy think he would just dish out the details like some sort of porn essay? No way. No fucking way was he going to humor the psycho with the foot on his belly, squashed intestines or no. "Fuck off, Detective. Get your thrills elsewhere," Gabriel blurted angrily.   
  
"Get MY thrills, I think you're the one who was getting his thrills," Jake stated accusingly. He was becoming more and more convinced that Gabriel was somehow responsible for his smiling ass and possibly the perfume assault. He'd suspected Sara had blamed the Dracula guy just to throw him off her friend's scent as he'd already seen first-hand how she let's Gabriel get away with whatever he wants.  
  
"Wha?" Gabriel gasped in offense, blushing fiercely. "THAT is none of your business, Detective," he snapped and yanked the detective's foot off his stomach, sending the Rookie flying backward onto his ass. He'd had quite enough of the detective's audacious and obtrusive behavior. Quickly springing to his feet, he snatched up his jacket and stomped off leaving a confused Rookie sprawled on the ground.  
  
. ********************************tbc  
  
Ardent fan - Sorry for not keeping up with this on the LLan board. I will most likely do a mass posting there when I get a chance. My computer was having problems loading the pages. I buckled to your curiousity a little here (But slightly more on the WB board, because it's easier to edit). Writing blue is a bit embarrassing for me and I'm not very good at it. Gabriel does elaberate slightly on what happened, but I chopped it out for ff net and will most likely edit it out of the other post on Witchblade Connections. I put it in just for you, so I'll wait till I think you've seen it before editing that one also. It's just a little hint, but it's all I'm capable of writing without blushing, so I'm REALLY not looking forward to writing the the events of Ian's prank.  
  
Thank you Mako-chan Wolf, Fae Rain, IrishRavenX and everyone else who has cheered this little accident on. The next chapter is already written, so there shouldn't be a long wait, I just have some projects I need to work on, that I've put off by reading and trying to catch up on others' stories. But I think I'm into the home stretch on this story. Whew!  
  
Thanks, again to the wonderful Roguegal17 for beta'ing this and putting up with my guff. :) 


	8. 8

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
  
poisson d'avril ch8  
  
***************************** Gabriel had managed to put half of Central Park between him and his prurient antagonist before his cell phone rang. Slipping it out of his pocket, he seriously hoped it wasn't Sara or any of her unpredictable co-horts. Eyeing the display in dismay, he considered not answering, but eventually caved in to the worry that Sara might actually be in trouble.  
  
As his greeting was met by Danny's voice, his fears seemed confirmed. "Detective Woo? Why do you have Sara's phone? Is she okay?" he croaked.  
  
"Yeah, she's fine," Danny assured, still a bit confused as to why Sara was too embarrassed to call him herself. She had dialed and hung up several times before thrusting the phone at him with a crimson face. "That must have been some steamy 'lunch'," Danny commented.  
  
Gabriel was floored. For the love of Artemis! Did the entire precinct know about the Blade's debauchery?  
  
Deciding to get straight to the point, Danny set his scheme in motion. "I need you to do us a favor..."  
  
*************************  
  
After returning to their office in the precinct, Sara and Danny sifted through work until Gabriel arrived with a laptop.  
  
"Good afternoon, Detectives," Gabriel greeted. With a nod and 'Hey' from Sara and her partner, he slid the slim device onto the desk, making sure the screen faced an area free of any possible hiding spots for surveillance. "There's something I think you should take a look at, Pez," he stated seriously, while flipping the laptop open and turning it on.  
  
"What is it?" Sara asked, moving closer to the screen, but making sure to keep the amulet a safe distance from Gabriel.  
  
Danny noticed this awkward gesture and stared at Sara's bracelet which, for some bizarre reason, looked as if it was pouting. Shaking his head to clear the unlikely notion, he joined the two in front of the laptop screen.  
  
"You know that Irons guy, the one you had the, um, run in with?" Gabriel asserted.  
  
"Yeah, what about him?" Sara prompted.  
  
"Well I kinda searched around the net for some stuff on the guy. And although Irons is pretty secretive about his own personal stuff, apparently, he's the opposite when It comes to his bodyguard, Nottingham," Gabriel relayed.  
  
"What do you mean?" Sara queried.  
  
*** From his rooftop perch, Ian wondered the same. Concentrating on his earpiece, he muffled the surrounding city noise with a gloved hand. ***  
  
"I found this website, which I'm guessing Irons runs, where you can download all these videos of Nottingham, um, going about his daily business," Gabriel divulged while clicking a few keys on the laptop. "It doesn't look like he knows he's being filmed," he added, stepping back to give Sara a better view of the blank screen.  
  
***  
  
Ian was so shocked and appalled by Gabriel's first sentence that he nearly hadn't registered the second, though it barely mattered. Of course he wasn't aware of being filmed! Daily business? What exactly did daily business imply? His only daily business at the mansion involved grooming, eating and, well, personal stuff.  
  
*********************************tbc I know, It's a brief chapter, but this is where I'm hoping for a few suggestions of what people would like the Blade to show Sara. I have QUITE a few ideas of my own, but I'd like to try to tailor the material to the tastes and preferences of you gentle readers. I'll be gleaning suggestions from here and the WC board. 


	9. 9

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
  
WARNING: Contains male nudity. Not graphic, though. Whew! *Hmmm, where have I seen that before?*  
  
***Denotes switch in point of view  
  
Roguegal17 has graciously taken precious time to beta the first installment of this. Some of it isn't Beta'd though, as I've extended the chapter. Selina - I did write your body hiding incident, but it's in the next chapter, which I'm still working on. IrishRavenX - sorry for the bizarre review. I guess there is such a thing as too much caffeine. Thanks to everyone who commented. This is for those who demanded revenge on Ian. These scenes were the result of suggestions so it's not ALL my fault. ^_^ I'm simply interpreting. I hope it's not too weird.  
  
poisson d'avril ch9  
  
***************************** Danny's scheme was now set into place. Gabriel had delivered his spiel quite convincingly. He had also brought the laptop as a prop, just in case the mark still had video surveillance on the office. Strangely, Gabriel had only agreed to stay for the risky prank after being assured Jake had been given the rest of the day off and would not return.   
  
Detective Woo was confused by Gabriel's aberrant and unprecedented aversion to the Rookie, but decided not to pry. Although he hadn't filled Gabriel in on his notion, Danny hoped the artifact dealer might be able to help with the bracelet if it started malfunctioning. It also wouldn't be bad to have another guy around to take the heat if the dangerous assassin caught on to his ruse.   
  
Now it was up to Sara's bracelet to pull off the stunt. Unfortunately, the amulet was not in a cooperative mood. Sara was willing the capricious Blade to show her Nottingham's activities but nothing was happening.   
  
She furtively glanced down at her wrist, only to see the thing still pouting. After an impatient Detective Woo cleared his throat, she glared down at the stubborn bracelet and gave it a good shake, eliciting a chuckle from Gabriel.  
  
*** Ian listened nervously to the odd silence as he patched the video feed from the second camera into his wireless.   
  
*** Sara transferred her glare from the Blade to Bowman. She was about to bitch him out for finding her plight amusing when Danny gasped; "Whoa, Pez," from behind her and Gabriel's eyes widened in surprise. Turning back to see what they found so shocking, Sara gasped herself. Instead of giving her a vision, the Blade had transferred images of Nottingham's activities directly to the laptop's screen.  
  
*** Ian managed to bring the video on-line just in time to see Mr. Bowman and Detective Woo staring in shock at a laptop. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the angle of the camera did not show what the two men found so disconcerting. Sara had turned towards the screen and seemed to find whatever the video was showing surprising as well. What could Irons have filmed that was so alarming? Ian's mind raced through every possible action of his that would cause such a reaction. Oh no. No, surely Irons would not have a camera THERE!   
  
Mortified beyond belief, he was irrationally considering storming the precinct and snatching the loathed laptop when Detective Woo made an odd comment.  
  
"You know, I use the same brand of toothpaste," he stated casually. "It's all natural and the tube is recyclable."  
  
"Really?" Bowman piped up, apparently more interested in recyclable toothpaste tubes than what was on the screen.  
  
They were watching him brush his teeth? ... Ian was confused.  
  
*** While Danny and Gabriel discussed environmentally-kind grooming products, Sara watched as the scene shifted. Now she was watching Ian answer his cell phone. Irons was excitedly ordering him to come immediately to his office and Nottingham raced swiftly down corridors to the large open doors. Just as he reached the entrance, however, there was a resounding smack and the assassin was thrown several feet backwards onto his ass and into a roll.  
  
The noise had caught both Danny and Gabriel's attention and they halted their conversation just in time to see Nottingham being flung backwards through the air. "Damn, that hadda hurt," Woo muttered sympathetically as Nottingham's somersaulting body rolled to a halt. Gabriel made a concurring grimace. The view was now from what Sara assumed to be Kenny's perspective.  
  
"Oh, I am sorry, Ian," Kenneth stated earnestly to the dazed man sprawled in the hallway. "I wanted to show you the new security panel I had installed," he explained enthusiastically while the clear barricade slid away. "It's bulletproof, shatterproof and as you've proven, practically invisible to he naked eye."  
  
*** As peels of laughter filled his earpiece, Ian groaned in dismay. Though he couldn't see the incident, he remembered Irons introducing his clear security panels all too well. It had been weeks before he managed to walk through open entrances without instinctively poking his hand out to feel for the immaculately cleaned glass.   
  
He still believed his employer had done that on purpose. The rest of the staff had suffered as well. The butler, to this day, still walks through open doors backwards rather than risk having his tray smacked from his hand at every attempt to enter a room.   
  
Why had the idea of Irons filming him for his own entertainment shocked him? Kenneth was such a bastard.  
  
***  
  
Sara wasn't sure which was funnier, the idea of the stealthy assassin running into a door or the expression on said man's face. The look of shock and restrained petulance was priceless. She was pretty sure Ian had not liked Kenny's little stunt.   
  
Just as she was recovering from her laughing fit, the scene shifted again. Ian was now standing in front of a mirror, glaring back at himself menacingly. Sara was confused. Is he angry at himself? she wondered. Nottingham then bowed his head. Comprehension dawned on Sara as his expression changed to one she was quite familiar with.   
  
Head held low, the assassin slowly peered up at himself with soulful eyes, a hurt expression creeping across his features until it looked as if he might begin to cry.  
  
"He practices that look?" Sara shrieked. Danny and Gabriel exchanged baffled shrugs.  
  
***  
  
"Oh crap," Ian sighed. Apparently Irons had managed to capture his quality mirror time on film. This was not good.   
  
***  
  
Sara was about to go on a rant when the image switched to that of Nottingham eyeing his surroundings warily before pulling a bright yellow bag from his coat. Wondering what the stinker was up to this time, she watched as the view widened to show a Rottweiler sitting obediently at his feet. What came next sucked the indignation right out of her.  
  
Ian knelt down to the dog's level and scratched its ears playfully. "Who's my sweet little buddy, who's my sweet little guy?" Nottingham babbled adoringly. The dog was obviously enjoying the attention, and wagging its little stump of a tail excitedly only served to spur Ian on. "Ooo, zat's my bouy, that's my little guy!" he gushed, play-wrestling with the dog.  
  
Gabriel had wrapped his arms around himself and was shaking with mirth. It was very difficult matching this man to the threatening man he had met, especially since the assassin was grinning and nuzzling his face against the dog's head as the beast gave the man's beard a bath with his tongue. Danny simply giggled into his fist as Sara's eyebrows attempted to disappear into her hairline.  
  
*** Ian let out a resigned groan and hung his head as he heard himself say through his earpiece; "Wuggums wanna snackie poo? It's BACON! baconbaconbacon! Oh yeah, you love those, don't cha' boy!", followed by the sound of plastic rustling, along with loud barks, crunching and slurping.   
  
Perhaps Irons' little stunt with the invisible barrier had been in retaliation for him recklessly spoiling the dog, Ian speculated, unwilling to look at the reactions of the audience in the precinct.   
  
***   
  
"Shhh, sh," Ian warned gently. "Wuggums has to pwomise not to tell on daddy to angry white hair, Hmm?" Ian pleaded, lifting the dog's maw and pouting his own lips. Uncannily, the dog's expression looked as if he'd understood and the Rottweiler gave Ian a comforting paw on his shoulder. Ian bowed his head and let the canine coat his nose with dog saliva.  
  
Sara couldn't help but be charmed by the exchange. After another wrestling match with the large dog, Ian ended up lying on his stomach and had propped his chin in a gloved hand as he ruffled the dog's fur with the other bare one. He seemed so... childlike, but not.  
  
"Cool dog," Gabriel murmured, resisting the urge to give a brief lecture on significant canine references throughout history. Danny merely nodded his agreement. Sara said nothing as she gazed at the Rottweiler's sympathetic expression, before the screen changed views once more.   
  
His parley with the dog had been touching, though she could imagine him wincing at his silliness being caught on film. Even if the man wasn't listening in, this was an interesting little enterprise.   
  
Now Nottingham was standing in what appeared to be a kitchen, drinking milk. She imagined the Blade was about to show the dangerous assassin with milk mustache and snickered prematurely. Both Sara and her compatriots were a bit startled when Irons suddenly appeared behind Nottingham and gave him a poke in the side, but apparently not as startled as the man drinking milk.   
  
Nottingham blurting; "Ghee!" with a reflexive grin on his face as milk spewed from his nose incited different reactions from the opposite genders watching. Danny and Gabriel howled with laughter and comments on the arc of the spray while Sara turned away in aversion.   
  
"Oh that is gross," she muttered, as Danny commented on the assassin being ticklish.  
  
"Oh c'mon, Pez you see dead people on a daily basis. A little nose spray is not that disgusting," Danny teased.  
  
"She's such a girl," Gabriel added, earning him a playful thwak from the female detective.  
  
As the scene on the laptop abruptly changed , however, the reactions were reversed.   
  
The two men averted their gazes immediately with a harmonized; "Oh jeeze!" while Sara was treated to a full frontal of Nottingham in the shower, belting out the chorus of 'Greased lightning'.  
  
"Oh c'mon guy's, a little male nudity is not that disgusting," Sara riposted with a wide grin, her eyes not leaving the screen. Nottingham was animatedly sudsing up while grooving along to his bawdy tune.  
  
***  
  
The familiar tune, along with the sound of water spraying should should have immediately clued Ian as to why Bowman and Woo had looked away in revulsion. When Sara's comment kicked his brian out of denial, he was aghast. Irons had cameras in his shower?!!! Was nothing sacred? His face had gone from sheet-white to beat-red as he tried not to listen to his ridiculously exuberant singing while Sara leered salaciously.   
  
***  
  
"Go greased lightning, burnin up a quarter mile. You are supreme. The chicks'll cream, for greased lightning," Nottingham crooned, finishing his performance by brandishing the bar of soap with a dramatic flourish. Much to the dismay of the Wielder and relief of the two men bitching about the length of this particular scene, the episode ended when Nottingham concluded his boisterous trilling.   
  
The assassin was now in a study staring thoughtfully into space with pen in hand. The view zoomed in to show a stack of notes and bits of paper scattered about the table.  
  
"Ebony hair drifting across porcelain skin, eyes of emerald fire. I am unable to begin-" Danny began to read.  
  
"Nottingham writes poetry?" Gabriel interjected, making a face.  
  
"It's not really too bad, I would change that third preposition though," Danny remarked.  
  
*** They were reading his poems? His personal poems?!!! But those were private AND about Sara. Ian's lip quivered in dismay. Oh, Kenneth was evil!   
  
He had to agree with Detective Woo, though, the third preposition of that piece did ruin the flow.  
  
***  
  
Sara was in the middle of reading a particularly racy sonnet when the Blade took her reading material away. Pouting, she watched as Ian was now lovingly caressing his Katana. "Good nite Katrina Katana," he whispered, sliding the blade into it's sheath.  
  
"Katrina Katana?" Gabriel queried, squinting in disbelief.  
  
The assassin continued to pull weapon after weapon from his person, placing them in their designated holder. Everyone from Gracie and Gregory Glock to Stephano stiletto, was tucked into their respective beds for the night.   
  
Sara commented on Nottingham's odd practice of putting named weapons to bed while Danny wondered how he could hide that many weapons under his coat.  
  
"I mean, look at that collection," Detective Woo stated, pointing to the screen. "Christ, you'd need a U-Haul to transport it."   
  
"Good point," Gabriel nodded, still wondering why in the hell the assassin gave his weapons names that rhymed.  
  
***  
  
Ian simply dropped his head into his hand in defeat. He had been sure no one had known about that odd quirk of his. He would never be able to face the Wielder again without blushing fiercely. Between Sara seeing him babbling with the dog, putting his weapons to bed, practicing his kicked puppy look and reading his private poetry, he felt naked. Of course, it didn't help that she'd already seen him naked.  
  
*** 


	10. 10

The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.  
  
Long *ss A/N:  
  
Thank you MsLessa, Thelma, dracula 13, redmayne (I can empathize with yowling kitty torment. I believe my little monster fancies herself an opera singer), Junipers_Goblet, roguegal ((hugs)) and Fae Rain ((hugs)) for the wonderful feedback. It's a relief to know people are actually laughing rather than just wondering if I'm completely mental. ^_^  
  
Thank you, Selena and Dragongirrl, for the cool suggestions. I hope I've not completely warped them out of control.   
  
IrishRavenX! Hee! You are crazy funny and I love it! I'm afraid there will be no revenge for Ian, though. :( It would turn into an endless circle, dragging this little jaunt out for ages. I just have WAY too much going on with tenebrous and I'm itching to get back to it.  
  
I think I've managed to cover everyone's requests (In some form or other). Whew!. When I counted them, however, there were thirteen, not counting identical suggestions (shower scenes do seem to be popular). Since I'm not fond of that number I decided to up it by adding a couple of my own ideas, rather than leave any out.   
  
Unfortunately, this involved setting some muses loose. One was bizarre, yet fairly harmless. The other... Well, let's just say I had to hack out and alter some stuff before I felt comfortable uploading. I had dire concerns about readers crying murder.  
  
WonderBeta Roguegal17 is back with a vengeance for your reading pleasure (She's even donned her superheroine lycra costume), making my twitterings a cleaner, smoother experience. She did suggest I put the nefarious 'tent' incident back in, but she is braver than I.   
  
I MAY post the original scandalous version on the WC board, since it is easier to edit quickly if anyone complains. The lag time here is so extreme, that nearly everyone reading this category might be appalled before I could fix the damage.   
  
I apologize for any and all mistreatment of characters and outright heinousness.   
  
***Denotes switch in Point of view  
  
poisson d'avril ch 10 *****************************  
The Blade was now showing the assassin hauling two unwieldy lumps of cloth into what looked like the Mansion's garage. "Are those... It looks like he's carrying bodies," Gabriel gasped. The other half of his brain smacked him for being so shocked. All those weapons were for killing, weren't they? Danny and Sara were eyeing the screen closely. The lumps of cloth did indeed, resemble corpses.  
  
"He'll never fit them both in that box without hacking them up," Danny stated morbidly, completely ignoring the fact that he was a homicide cop.  
  
They all watched the assassin carefully wedge one burden into a packing crate while grumbling incoherently about Irons and his temper. Like gawkers at a car accident, all three craned their necks to see if Nottingham could fit two bodies in a box that barely contained one. What ensued was inexplicably comical despite its atrocity.   
  
Nottingham was wrestling with what, (through the cloth) looked like wayward arms and legs. Every time he managed to stuff a limb in, another popped out, Invariably smacking some part of his anatomy. At one point, Gabriel and Danny both winced in sympathy.  
  
After furiously throwing his arms up in surrender, Nottingham disappeared from view. Returning with his arms full of plants, he began shoving them in between what the trio believed to be lumps of arms and legs.  
  
"What the hell?" Danny whispered, furrowing his brows in confusion. Nottingham had completed the bizarre 'crate o' bodies cum plant container' just before a man carrying a pair of hedge trimmers stepped into view.   
  
"You wanted to see me, Mr. Nottingham?" the man queried as he eyed the unseemly sculpture with disdain.  
  
"Yes, I need you to find an unobtrusive location for Mr. Irons latest garden acquisition," Ian stated smoothly.  
  
The gardener eyed the crate with a look that was nothing short of horror. "He bought this?" the gardener gasped, unable to restrain his dismay at the ugly purchase which, looked as if it were saluting him.   
  
"Yes," the assassin affirmed. "Unfortunately Mr. Irons has fallen prey to the newest gardening trend in raised beds. Supposedly, the unwieldy potting mixture not only provides interesting angles to the planting surface, but is an excellent fertilizer as well," Nottingham explained.  
  
When the gardener cast him a disbelieving look, he merely rolled his eyes. "Just throw some mulch over the weeding cloth and be glad he restrained himself from purchasing the pink flamingo lawn ornaments," the assassin griped.  
  
With a shudder of revulsion at the thought of tacky lawn ornaments littering the estate's landscape, the gardener duly accepted his task and hustled off to get one of the bobcats that were so fun to drive.  
  
"And set it downwind from the estate. I'm under the impression that the potting material can become a bit rank." Nottingham called after the man. *** Ian gaped in disbelief. Was Irons deliberately trying to get him in trouble? Sure, he'd skimped on his duties once in a while, but he was a busy man. Now he'd have to acquire another crate and stash the mess elsewhere before Sara came busting in with a warrant. Crap. *** "Unbelievable," Detective Woo muttered, shaking his head.  
  
"Well that was an interesting solution," Sara commented, not quite knowing what to make of Nottingham's combination of ingenuity and sheer brass.  
  
For some reason, Gabriel found the entire exchange between the gardener and assassin wildly hysterical, stifling snorts of laughter between each repartee. *** Ian didn't know whether to be relieved or upset that the two detectives seemed more interested in continuing to watch videos than solving murders. Moreover, he didn't understand why Bowman found his dilemma so damn funny. He definitely needed to pay the cheeky imp a visit before the day was done. *** The scene had switched once again and Nottingham was now performing some rudimentary Katas.  
  
"Hmm, his form's not bad," Danny noted, distracted from his thoughts on the corpses. As Nottingham began to increase the speed and difficulty of his movements, however, the detective noticed the man starting to lose his center. "He's rushing it though," he added, just before the assassin thrust his knee a little too swiftly, knocking his Katana out of his hand and sending it sailing across the room.  
  
Scowling, Nottingham retrieved his weapon from where it had lodged into a wall and resumed the set of movements after apologizing to Katrina. This time he'd made it past the balance of kicking and arching the blade simultaneously, but over-swung and nicked his ponytail. With a whimper from the assassin, a set of locks plopped to the floor.  
  
"Mmmf?" Nottingham mewled mournfully as he retrieved his precious locks. Clutching the handful of hair in anger and dismay, He returned to his ill-fated Kata with fury.  
  
"Uh oh," Danny murmured. Anger and controlled movements weren't an entirely good mix, especially while brandishing a sharp weapon. *** After hearing his apology to the katana, Ian could easily guess what was coming next. He remembered the disastrous routine with chagrin. His temper had been his undoing and his nicked hair had joined in the battle against him. He had made it through only a few movements before his shorn locks worked their way out from the confinement of the hair band and made a break for freedom.   
  
Unfortunately, their liberation occurred in the middle of a very difficult and delicate maneuver. Suddenly blinded by the wayward locks, his performance ended with a physical display that emulated more of an 'addled albatross' than 'striking serpent'.  
  
Hearing the riotous cachinnation in the precinct, Ian looked up from the meager security of his gloved hands to find Bowman performing what he hoped was an exaggeration of his blunder. The two detectives were too busy restraining their ribs to notice that their bedlam had attracted an audience. Several officers' faces were pressed to the office door window, trying to get a gander at what was causing all the hilarity. *** Sides hurting from laughing first at Nottingham's and then Gabriel's near exact mimicry of 'ballet gone bad', Sara gasped; "Wait," to the laptop. It had showed a brief snippet of Nottingham snuggling into bed after kissing a photo frame on his bed stand. With all the distractions, she had missed whom the photo was of. "What was that?" the Wielder demanded. But, ostensibly, the Blade didn't believe in rewind and had moved on to the next scene.   
  
The current tableau consisted of Nottingham holding a glass of champagne at a swank dinner party, surrounded by four beautiful and elegant women.   
  
As the socialites attention seemed to hang on every word of Nottingham's assessment of cultural and historical fighting techniques, Danny noticed Irons watching in the background, peevishly slitting his eyes in jealous irritation.   
  
Sara was too busy being annoyed by the ridiculous way the women were fawning over the assassin to notice. Gabriel seemed to be caught between eyeing the blonde and mentally cross-referencing the assassin's conclusions.   
  
Just as one of the women had moved in to become physically friendly - "You are so muscular. Have you practiced all of these fascinating techniques?" she cooed while stroking his arm. - Irons intervened.   
  
"Oh, Ian, could you tell me the time?" Kenneth queried with a stifled smirk.  
  
Automatically, Irons' bodyguard obeyed the implied command, promptly dumping champagne down his trousers as he flipped his wrist to check his watch.  
  
The dark look on Nottingham's face as Kenny snickered in triumph while the women giggled at Ian's gullibility was not lost on the trio watching. Danny moaned out a; "I can't believe he fell for that," while shaking his head with a chuckle.  
  
Sara snickered at Nottingham being taken down a notch and Gabriel, surprisingly barked; "That was rude!" in Nottingham's defense. "Oh, c'mon, Bowman. He fell for it AND he was being..." Sara partially retorted, at a loss for the right word now that she wasn't exactly sure what he had done to irritate her.  
  
"Erudite?" Gabriel supplied.   
  
"Um, yeah," Sara mumbled. *** Oh great, now the Bowman brat was sticking up for him. Every time he'd decided to punish the boy, he would pull something like this. Ian was beginning to wonder if the whippersnapper didn't have a 'beating' radar. *** The Blade seemed to be winding down, Sara noted, as the gem's swirl slowed on her wrist. Ian was tucked in bed with a glass of milk and a book lying in his lap.  
  
"He sure seems to like milk," Sara remarked.  
  
As the dangerous assassin raised the book to read, the band of onlookers hooted in unison. 'Snow White' was clearly emblazoned across the book cover with a cartoon illustration of the ingenue and her entourage of dwarves. *** Ian was wondering what Irons had filmed now. Surely drinking milk could not be that entertaining. He had snuck a couple swallows from the carton every once in a while, but didn't everyone? *** The threesome's tittering had calmed only to be renewed when Nottingham evidently came to a scary part in the story, accidentally spilling his milk with a gasp of dismay.   
  
Performing an impressive leap in the hands of the distressed assassin, the evicted milk landed squarely on the assassin's forehead. Instead of getting up to clean himself, however, Nottingham simply licked the delicious drink from his mustache and smeared the rest evenly around his face before resuming his reading.   
  
Maybe he decided to leave it on as a skin softener? Sara wondered. She used yogurt but supposed milk was fine as well.   
  
"That was weird," Gabriel muttered.   
  
"My wife does that kind of stuff," Danny stated, scrunching his brows and shaking his head slightly. "You'd be surprised at some of the weird things women do." *** Did Detective Woo just call him a Woman? Ian tilted the screen of his wireless, ridiculously trying to get a peek at what they were seeing. None of their comments made any sense and he was wondering what in the hell Irons had captured that made him come across as girly. *** As the two men continued their chat on the oddities of women, Nottingham yawned widely and tucked the book under his mattress. With a dreamy smile, he reached for the photo frame and placed a reverent kiss on it's facing.  
  
Now it was Sara's turn to uselessly crane to see what was hidden by the angle. "Oh c'mon," she griped, dismayed that for the second time the Blade was denying her a view of the photo.  
  
The amulet seemed to smirk in reply before showing Nottingham holding the image of Sara in a pose not dissimilar to a Betty Page pinup. The photo was of Sara bending down to pick up a fallen hair tie in her skivvies.  
  
As the Wielder's face turned crimson (Whether from embarrassment or outrage is still in question), the two men beside her busted out laughing between hoots and hollers.  
  
"Nice pose," Gabriel grinned, while Danny wheezed about Nottingham kissing her ass before going to bed. *** Kissing Sara's ass? What was he- ? Suddenly it dawned on him, the photo. How dare Irons put that on the internet! Ian was incensed! No, he was chagrined. Wait, no... he was terror-stricken. Sara was going to kill him for photographing her in her undergarments. Without thinking, the assassin's hand flew to his mouth. He worried his nails through the leather glove nervously while various expressions whizzed across the Wielder's face. *** Sara decided to push Nottingham's shenanigans to the back of her mind as she watched him settle into bed. Between the embarrassment of Ian kissing the risque photo and her warring thoughts, she wasn't sure if she should be flattered, appalled or angry.  
  
As the screen faded to black, little kitten noises emanated from the assassin as he drifted off to sleep, inciting a final gigglefest from the gaggle in the precinct.  
  
"Well, looks like the show's over," Sara announced as the screensaver kicked in and her bracelet swirled contentedly. She sent a mental; 'thanks for the show' to the surprisingly cooperative amulet and received a playful wink from the gem in return.   
  
* -_~ 


End file.
